July 2005 Archives

virtual liberation

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Zee festival starts today, so I may be off shmoozin' and crap... so in the meantime...

Although my days of gainful employment at otherwise libidinous environs may have sadly expired (it was for RESEARCH, okay), I still enjoy dancing around in my underwear on occassion...

...or should I say, my AVATAR does... mwah-ha-ha...




Does the betrothed feel unsettled by this, you ask? Not at all... in fact...


Good, wholesome, TOTALLY VIRTUAL exhibitionism! And oh yes, you can try it too. Actually, I insist. It's liberating. Especially if you choose to depict yourself as an overweight balding senior-citizen with a unibrow and a soul patch.

And these are GAP clothes, people. What could possibly be less salacious?

(Thanks to Erik for the link... whomever you are...)

eskimo pie

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Hey.

I'm worried about you.

You seem so sad these days.

I know I can't make everything better. But perhaps I could give you something that would tickle you a little... It isn't very long, and it gets cut off at the end, but I hope you find enough in there to make you smile. (It gets better as it goes.)

And if you don't... well I'm sorry I failed you. Don't hold it against me.

XOXOXO,

PS- Ditty courtesy of Phil Nichol, Greg Neale, & Sean Cullen (formerly of Corky and the Juice Pigs).

addict?

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I just might be addicted to tiny animated gifs of people/superheros/cartoons/celebrities dancing...

...because I nearly shat myself when a friend sent me that. And I'm pretty sure that's not a normal reaction.

I probably shouldn't tell you this, but one time I made an HTML page of all my animated dancing gifs and had a little dance-off. I wish that was a lie. I'll give you one guess who won.

On topic... The Mountain Goats are also addictive. Here's a little feature, not to be repeated, called "Sheila's Favorite Song Lyrics of the Day." From the album Tallahassee....

No Children

I hope that our few remaining friends
Give up on trying to save us
I hope we come up with a failsafe plot
To piss off the dumb few that forgave us
I hope the fences we mended
Fall down beneath their own weight
And I hope we hang on past the last exit
I hope it's already too late
And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here
Someday burns down
And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away
And I never come back to this town
Again in my life
I hope I lie
And tell everyone you were a good wife
And I hope you die
I hope we both die

I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow
I hope it bleeds all day long
Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises
We're pretty sure they're all wrong
I hope it stays dark forever
I hope the worst isn't over
And I hope you blink before I do
Yeah I hope I never get sober
And I hope when you think of me years down the line
You can't find one good thing to say
And I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out
You'd stay the hell out of my way
I am drowning
There is no sign of land
You are coming down with me
Hand in unlovable hand
And I hope you die
I hope we both die

room service

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I AM ORDERING ROOM-FUCKING-SERVICE!!! HA HA HA!! YA-FUCKING-HOOO!!! I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed in my underwear and I'm about to pick up the fucking phone and ask some pleasant hotel employee to deliver a stunningly overpriced salad to my room. I AM AWESOME!! HOLY SHIT!!

My dilemma now revolves around whether or not I should put pants on to answer the door, or should I crack it open with just enough space for my head and whisper a demure "thank-you", pretending I'm an eccentric recluse who is being put up by her much-older wealthy benefactor... who of course waits for her every day at the cafe down the street in the hopes that she'll overcome her crippling fear of elevators and meet him there... though he knows she never will...

I might be the biggest dork on the planet but ordering room service makes me feel like a CROCK OF ROCK-N-ROLL!!!

Suck it, bitches.

shhhh...

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I'm trying to cultivate inner calm, and you keep buzzing at me. In the back of my head. You don't even know you're doing it.

I wish I could pop a warm bottle of milk into your mouth and keep you satisfied until this weekend is over. Then I could sleep the slumber of the dead, and wake up on Monday with my hair in a fierce nest of knots rather than my brain.

Hotels are nice, though. My bed is made even when I am not.

Today marks another day of me being entirely un-made. I actually fell asleep in rehearsal, completely hijacked by my body's need for rest. But it's going GREAT. It's going to be GREAT. What a relief.

In other news. For you regular readers... I didn't mean to drop the ball on this one. I expected an immediate flood of confidances and revelations, but since I'm not the only narrator in this story, there is a tangle of threads and a struggle in the unweaving. But since I have some distance (just two weeks, but it does well for the restless), I am now able to say this much: my family is bigger than I ever imagined, and there are many photos of them on the web, and I look like a father I never knew, and it is all very poignant but I can't really say anything else yet because THEY DON'T KNOW ABOUT US.

More soon, I hope I hope I hope.

In the meantime, come to Philly. Stroke my hair. Kiss my eyelids. Tell me everything will be all right... I'll feed you.

wrong

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Is it me, or is there something indescribably wrong with this dude?

Like, his skin is made of clay, or his irises are extending past his lids... or something about the size of his earlobes? The lack of a top lip? The way his neck and his chin are exactly the same width across?

Help me, people.

faux-pas

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Whenever I get around other playwrights, I get hyper. Especially playwrights whose work I like. I usually try to calm myself down by drinking, but this only succeeds in making me sloppy and obnoxious. And there is nothing less appealling than a sloppy, hyper, drunk playwright who is insulting you.

For example: the last time I was in Philly was when we cast our reading. Afterwards, we all went out for martinis. One of the playwrights at the table began talking about politics. It was fine at first, but it was one of those conversations that is difficult to focus on after six hours of fretting madly over headshots and sides and schedules and conflicts. Plus, he was platforming a bit, which made actual dialogue challenging.

So at some point, two thirds into my second martini, I cut him off in mid-sentence and looked him directly in his eye and shouted, "I'M. SO. BORED." I wasn't intentionally trying to be rude, but the liquor and the close working quarters all day had given me a horrifically false sense of intimacy.

I was instantly moritified. The table went quiet, and the topic changed... but yesterday when I mentioned this incident to someone who was there, she didn't remember it happening. So hopefully neither does he. And he's a lovely person, so even if he did I'm sure he would forgive me. But still... FAUX-PAS. Yikes.

I bring this up because last night we had another playwright/director post-rehearsal powwow and I was trying to track any potentially embarrassing zingers I let fly. So far I've come up empty, which is promising.

FYI, my reading is looking much better... our actors make adjustments very well, and the play is slowly creeping into their blood. It's fun to watch. I hope they have time to sew it to their heartbeats, which is rare in a reading but can happen.

As for tomorrow... new location, new lead actor. Check here for details... I've been told we should have a pretty decent house. I am terrified. I'll let you know how it goes.

Oh PS- Hey terr0rists... LEAVE LONDON ALONE!

phun times...

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Not much to report yet from Philly... I've barely been out of my hotel actually, except for our first read-through last night, which was harrowing (as expected). And now to further harrow me, a deadline has snuck up behind me and whacked me on the skull, so all day I've been cobbling together a project description and now I'm all harried and shit.

BUT, not too harried to talk to you, Beloved.

I wanna tell you about the huge specialty food store down the street from my hotel... two days in a row I've gone in there looking to buy lunch, but instead I've gorged on aged cheese samples and spinach dip and left the store empty-handed.

So, for your edification:

How To Feel Like A Total Loser:

1. Walk yourself into an upscale deli dressed about $80 worse than everyone around you

2. Take at least two items from every sample dish in the store

3. Stuff half of them in one fist, to be enjoyed at a future location

4. Use the other hand to pick something up (a prepared wrap, a bottle of vinegar, etc) and wander around with it a bit, then "change your mind" and put it back

5. Run the following mantra in your head: "..their fault for putting it out....their fault for putting it out..."

The makings of a middle-class beggar. How quaint.

In other news... did you know Soph has been cast in the re-make of a well-known and much-loved madcap eighties comedy?

Har har.

off

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I'm off to Philly for two weeks... I called ahead and found out the hotel DOES have high-speed access, so zee blog shall endure.

I'm busy packin', so in the meantime I would like to introduce you to a remarkable feat in art and engineering... or so the website would have you believe...

Discussion topic: is this an overblown attempt to inspire an appreciation for the depths of human innovation with a product that is not even vaguely exceptional? Or is it a modest fluttering on the surface of a stunning underground revolution in aesthetics and utility?

Ask Meghan. She owns one.

death in the family

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We didn't have him long.

It all began when Soph cut some parsley from our window herb box and stuck it into the neck of a French Limonade bottle filled with water so we would have ready access to it for cooking.

One morning we padded into the kitchen to make our breakfast, and there HE was. Munching away.

Curly. Curly the Caterpillar.

Each morning we would check in on him and we would find a new empty stem stripped of its fresh green leaf. We would shout, "Yay Curly! Eat, little guy! Eat the shit outta that!" And he did.

Until one day, we noticed Curly was no longer perched on his stem. Where did he go? Soph and I were heartbroken. Did we not give him enough support? Was he feeling stiffled by us, smothered by our attention?

Or had the fat-ass cat decided his Friskies were not as satisfying as a moist, lush, defenseless little critter?

We were desolate. We moped around the house, barely speaking or eating, listless in our grief.

Two days later I was surfing the net in mourning when I heard a shout from the kitchen: "Charlie, no!" (In his grief Soph had forgotten Curly's name.)

Curly was lying on his back on the kitchen floor, his top-half partially ruptured and oozing an amber goo. But he was alive!

Soph immediately set to action. He began performing CPR, but was confounded when he couldn't find Curly's mouth. So he lifted him gently onto a household napkin and brought him to a window, and began to feed him fresh parsley to get his strength back.

But Curly would not eat.

He had trouble staying upright.

All his little legs were kicking, mustering his remaining energy to carve out a concise, deft, and artful mortal gesture into the air, so it might be called beauteous by the caterpillar gods-- who, so deeply moved, would grant unto him one last chance to reign pulchritudinous and pure in a world awash in ugliness and depravity.

It didn't work.

We placed the dying Curly on a leaf in a bush outside, so that he might breathe his last among his bretheren in nature. We left for the day, and when we came home Curly was dead.

I guess some souls shine too brightly for this world... they must illuminate us from above. RIP, dearest Charlie. Er, Curly.

bloggie-style

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I wanna write about my little grant-odyssey of yesterday but it will require some finesse, of which I am in short supply... so I'll make some links instead, doin' it bloggie-style:

Item A: To this one I am a long-time stalker, first-time linker. She's a great story-teller, an intermittent poster and a sympathetic soul. (She also has a funny monologue in the same book as me.) Read the shit-breath story.

Item B: This website was posted in my comments yesterday but when I clicked on it the code was all effed-up, so I'm posting it again here with clean code. (She's the OTHER female playwright blogger.)

Item C: Something odd from my future spouse regarding our wedding... Although up until a few days ago we may have had some legitimate cause for worry (see once again my enigmatic yet hopefully clearer post).

Item D: Keep your sound turned up for this one... it took a little while but it grew on me. I even laughed out loud at one of the little dudes on the left. And keep your eye on the big red dot.

Item E: Me singing Summertime in Spanish for no good reason.

That should keep 'em busy for a while... heh heh.

readin'

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I suppose this is as good a time as any to announce my big reading coming up in less than two weeks... LASCIVIOUS SOMETHING is getting a reading at the Vineyard Theatre on July 22nd, starring Lili Taylor. My girl Maria Dizzia is in it too, and Hal Brooks is directing. We're still looking for a dude, though... some good options... but for those of you who have been tracking my offline hysteria with all this, Billy Crudup and Ethan Hawke are both unavailable.

I'm not sure what time it will be read, but it's in the afternoon so if you have a day job tell your boss to eat poo and come represent. And check back on my upcoming page, where I'll post the time and cast list as it's updated.

Unrelated theatre stuff... I feel like I should link to some playwright blogs here, since I don't know these dudes and I think it's nice to spread some anonymous playwright love...

George Hunka
Dan Trujillo
Mac Rogers
Mike Mariano
Kyle Wilson

That order is arbitrary. Am I forgetting anyone? Any GAL playwrights?

(Sheila, are you trying to make some vague sort of point? Why yes, Sheila... but I'm not sure what it is.)

And okay, in reference to my previous entry, here's a BIG hint... I'm not really Irish.

weightless

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Oh Bloggie.

Something enormous is going on in my life right now... it's sudden and it's all I think about, but I can't tell you about it now, or next week, or even in a few years... but how could I not tell YOU? I tell you everything.

Maybe because I'm having trouble telling myself about it. I can't create a narrative because I don't understand its beginnings and it may never have an end. And it's BIG, as big as anything I can think of. It's not an illness or a death or a birth or even a marriage, even though that's happening soon too...

And it's something I need to talk about.

If I hinted at it, would you hate me for not giving it all up?

But I can't even do that and feel like I'm being truthful. And how can I write about other smaller things, when they've all shrivelled in contrast?

All I can do is say, there's this thing out there, as it's always been, but now I can see it, and it is constantly changing shape, and I can't hold it in my hands, and I can't see through it, and I don't know what it tastes like, but somehow it has changed the gravity around me.

The Only Dickpie

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I write things on my wrist often, to-do lists or phone-numbers or what-have-yous, because I hate having scraps of paper with little reminders everywhere. Also, I don't shower as much as regular people and so the wrist-notes fade in step with their level of importance in my life.

One particular day I wanted to remind myself that I needed to burn a bunch of photos to disk. So I wrote on my wrist "Disk Pix". My boss who sits across from me in the cubicle noticed my wrist but misread what I had written and asked me why I needed to remember my "dick pie."

And so later that day I was posting a comment to a blog and wanted to come up with an alias for myself, one that people would read and go ha!, and the words "dick pie" kept popping into my head. What is a dick pie? A pie made of dick? A pie that you put your dick into? Or was it a fella's name? "Mr. Dickpie, please meet your party at the baggage claim carousel..."

I began to wonder if there were other dickpies in the world... and realized with stunning clarity I didn't WANT that... I wanted to be The Only Dickpie!

That was it.

Now, every time I hit the "comments" link on other people's blogs, my name comes up as The Only Dickpie. It's affirming.

(And I'm just going to pretend that this does not exist, thank you very much…)

barefoot

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Right-click or ctrl-click or do what you gotta do to download this. And then put it on your iPod (if it isn't there already). It isn't funny or ironic or new or anything, It's just a simple song that deserves a little bit of your mood now and then. Or if you need something a little more bad-assy, use this one instead.

This is my Independence Day gift to you.

Jesus I love that first picture. I love that nasty fucking T-shirt. I love that her zipper is open. I love the way she's looking at him, how he's gripping the rail behind her back... they were still lovers then. (It's Robert Mapplethorpe, fyi.)

I love the bottom picture too, how giddy she looks wrapped around her big, rustic, leather-coat-wearin' fella... this is around the time they wrote Cowboy Mouth. He had just left his wife of two years to live with Patti in the Chelsea Hotel (he's still wearing his wedding ring in in the photo). (It's Sam Shepard, fyi.)

I have a coat very similar to hers, by the way... but I am no bad-ass. (Yes, that's a statue of Lenin, fyi.)

the horror

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She never lands! SHE NEVER FUCKING LANDS!! And she's practically NUDE, okay. Is this some kind of a sick misogynist metaphor??? (Use the mouse to control her movements.)

It's like my worst recurring nightmare, except I'd be peeing the whole way down.